The Want Ad (or...A Very Long Night)

FREE TO ANY HOME:
ONE TOTALLY ADORABLE, SLIGHTLY RETARDED, DEAF AND DUMB, YELLOW LAB WITH A MAJOR EATING DISORDER.  IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A LAP DOG, THIS IS YOUR GUY, HE ONLY WEIGHS ABOUT 115 LBS.  HE LIKES TO SHOW OFF BY TAKING OUT THE TRASH, ONE PIECE AT A TIME, BUT USUALLY EATS IT BEFORE IT GETS TO THE DUMPSTER.  LOVES TO SNUGGLE IN BED- GENERALLY PREFERS TO LAY ON YOUR FACE SO YOU CAN'T BREATHE.  LOVES TO RETRIEVE WILL CARRY YOUR SHOES AROUND ALL DAY.  NO HE WON'T HUNT. CANNOT SWIM, FLIPS UPSIDE DOWN IN WATER.  ON THE BRIGHT SIDE HE IS TOTALLY HOUSE BROKEN- MOST OF THE TIME.  PLEASE TAKE HIM OFF MY HANDS BEFORE I TAKE HIM OUT AND SHOOT HIM! 

I'm kidding of course...sort of

Can you see his gut?  That is the normal size of it multiply it
by 3 and you can imagine what he looked like last night

 

Yesterday it was very cold during the day so Tom left the dogs inside.  He put kiddie gates up so that they were confined to what we thought was a safe area.  We were wrong.  Mason is convinced he is starving all the time.  He managed to get up on the counter and pull down a huge bag of Beggin Strips and eat the entire bag, along with a box of tea bags and a couple of jars of spices.  When Tom got home the kitchen was a disaster and Mason looked like he was pregnant.  Tom threw him outside where Mason went out and drank a ton of water, adding to the size of his waistline.
 By time I got home he was huge.  He had to skip dinner of course, which about drove him crazy.  I swear the receptors in this dogs brain that tell him he is full do not function, because even when he was so full he couldn't even lay down comfortably, he was still searching for food to eat.

Picture if you can- a very large obese man running around a grocery story cramming food in his mouth uncontrollably...that would be my dog.

Then he started throwing up...liquid Beggin Strips...EW!   I wanted to just throw him outside, but I also didn't want him to bloat and twist, and it was 6 degrees outside so I had to keep him in.  I gated him in the office where the floor is vinyl and easy to clean.  He does not care for isolation so he retaliated by puking in the door way on the gate...and...on to the white carpet.  (on a side note- who in their right mind puts white carpet in a house in the country????) This time there were even whole tea bags in it....awesome!

Thank God for Bissel! 
(Here is a good mental image for you.  I am cleaning up after him as he lays his head on my shoulder and tries to climb in my lap- slobbering all over me-eww!)

The rest of the night went like this:

Whine whine howl bark
click clack click clack (the sound of toenails tap dancing on the floor as he paces in circles)
"Mason go lay down!!!" 
"You know he can't hear you right?" (From Tom)
I get up and go point at the bed- he stands at the gate and wags his tail because he thinks I'm going to let him out.
I give up and walk away.
Whine Whine howl Bark bark bark
"Mason Hush Up!!!"
"You know he can't hear you, right???"
"Shut up or you'll be in there with him" (I think to myself)
I decide its time for bed
I put him outside in case he needs to potty
He sits at the door
Bark Bark Bark Bark (with gusto)
(Hey! My nuts are freezing to the deck) (is what I suspect he is saying)
I bring him in and put him back in the office, put the dog bed by the door so he can see in our room.
pant pant whine whine bark bark
I give in and bring him in my bedroom (just knowing I'll be shampooing carpets again.)
pace pace pant pant bark bark
"WHAT NOW????"
I take him towards the back door
He lays down in the hallway in protest (this is how he says, "No I don't wanna go out)
He waddles to the bathroom door- which means he is trying to get to water.
I put him back in the office with a bowl of water.
drink drink slobber slobber click clack click clack...Whahumph!!! (he finally laid down)
5 minutes of snoring
click clack click clack click clack drink drink slobber slobber...Whahumph!!! (he doesn't lay down with any kind of grace what so ever)
3 minutes of snoring
click clack click clack click clack whine whine bark bark
"I swear I'm gonna take him out and shoot him!"
I take him to the back door and throw him out...this time he went down the deck stairs to the yard..YES!!!!!
I raced to my window to watch him
He waddles to the dog house, sits down, looks up and sees me, wags his tail and gives me his best "I love you mom" look.   AWWWWWW
Then he jumps up and races down to what used to be a garden and happily trots around in big circles.  I mean literally like he is the happiest dog in the world.  He stops, he pees...and he pees...and he pees...and he keeps on peeing. (well atleast he did it outside)
Trots to the door, I left him in and put him back in the office.
whine whine bark bark
"OH FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD!" (its about 1:30 am now)
I took down the gate and he ran to our room and....WHAHUMPH!!!  On the dog bed he goes.
within seconds it was SNORE SNORE SNORE SNORE!
SUCCESS! 
I finally was able to go to sleep.
Fast forward to 3 am
pant pant whine whine bark bark
Argh!
"Okay Doodle Lets go."
He trots to the door so I put him out- this time I just went back to bed.
From 3:10 to 4:30 he barked at the door.
I put the pillow over my head and pretended I was someplace quiet.
At 4:30 I put Smarty out with him.
At 4:45 they both started barking.
Tom got up, shut our door, and I finally went to sleep.
At 6 am three dogs busted in to see me,
Mason does a flying leap into the middle of the bed (no I have no idea how he gets his fat arse up there) and lands toenails first in my face.
I now have a fat lip and a nice scratch down one cheek.
"I'm gonna shoot this dog!"
He lays on my chest and tries to lick me to death
Finally Tom gets him off me.

When I was sitting there attempting to enjoy my coffee he comes and lays his head in my lap and gives me his "sighing whine"   He says, "Thanks mom for taking care of me"

Yes Doodle Dummy I love you too.

I guess he can stay