Today is a new day and I am over my whine fest. And just for the record, the next time I have a "whine-fest" copious amounts of actual wine will be involved just to make it a little more interesting! Nothing more boring and depressing than a whine fest without wine.
With a little time to examine where my sadness was coming from and a nice long talk with a new old friend, I was able to recognize some things.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter if I can or cannot compete in stock horse stuff.
It doesn't matter if Sassy is never anything more than a trail horse. (but there is still a small chance she can do more)
It doesn't matter that I cannot afford (right now) to go and buy the horse of my dreams who does sliding stops and fancy spins.
None of it really matters.
What matters is that I have what I have always wanted...horses in my yard.
What matters is that I am able to do the very best I can for these horses.
What matters is that I am grateful to have them in my life and trail riding IS enough if that is all there is.
What matters is that for the most part, these horses are healthy and really only have typical things that all horses go through. (Well maybe not Sassy, but there is still hope for her- I just have to be patient)
I have begun to notice a distinct fault in myself in the last few years, and I am not enjoying it at all.
The fault is that I am never happy with what I have.
Here are a couple of examples.
TC bought me a jeep for my birthday, that I pointed out and said I wanted. After I got it, I was not happy with it (gas mileage and handling) and ended up selling it.
After that I bought my Envoy, which I loved...for about a month. Now I hate it and I want to get rid of it. (mileage and its "not me"- how stupid is that?)
I want a small pick up, but I know that once I get it I will get tired of it and want a something different. I need something that gets super good gas mileage, but I hate anything that sits low and since VW has not made a compact diesel pick up yet, I knows that I will not be happy with anything.
I have 3 horses but always feel like I need a better one.
I have a great house...nope wait...scratch that one, I love our place and would not trade it for the world.
But...
I always need better clothes, more antiques, a different job (or no job but still the income would be better), a different hair color, stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff.
Lets put things into perspective.
2003 was the year that I was homeless, I had the clothes on my back and 10 dollars in my pocket, no vehicle, and my kids had been taken from me. So in eleven years I went from that to having my kids back with me, and pretty much everything else I was afraid to dream of.
I think a little gratitude is in order here.
This morning I went out to mix up the morning "soup" for my equine buddies. They were all there happy to see me, each one greeting me in their own special way. It made my heart smile.
That is what matters.
AMEN!!!
ReplyDeleteI am not where I want to be in the competitive realm yet, but I am eternally Thankful and Grateful for the life I am able to lead. If the most I have to worry and complain about is the fact that Moon and I don't click...Well, that is just my reality check in life. :-)
Gratitude is a subject that's been on my mind a bit lately too. Every time I see a homeless person or someone who lives in some crappy hut who has to walk everywhere because they don't have transportation, I remind myself that I was once homeless (in 1988), and now have literally more than I ever dreamed of. America -- gotta love it. It's one of the few places where you can go from rags to riches and back again in the blink of an eye.
ReplyDeleteYes, it's always a good thing to count your blessings and to be thankful for what you do have. Give those equine blessings a skritch for me!
ReplyDeleteIn case you didn't get my email: radal16 (at) hotmail.com.
ReplyDeleteI have the same problem, I spend way too much money because I have this NEED to have something new and different, and then when I get it... meh. Terrible. I'm also clinically depressed which is probably where it comes from. Crafting and otherwise working with my hands seems to help, and St. Johns Wort, love that stuff.
I did get your email and sent a response. Will email you those pics in the morning. thank you :-)
DeleteI have heard that St. Johns Wort is great, but have never tried it. Perhaps I need too! LOL
sounds like you have come full circle and got your head on straight. Nothing wrong with wanting,it makes us work harder to get what we want I think
ReplyDeleteEach time you start feeling sorry for yourself, it's good to go hug a horse. They give us so much without asking for anything really in return.
ReplyDeleteI feel that way too and then i always have great friends who remind me how much I have...or I see people who have nothing and I am bad for feeling like that.
ReplyDelete