Wednesday, May 8, 2013

My Alarm Clock

I have an amazing alarm clock.
It never lets me over sleep.
It has no snooze button
I suspect it is broken, because I cannot figure out how to adjust the time at which it goes off each morning.

At night about 8 pm we put all the dogs out to potty. When we bring them in Mason heads right to the living room to lay down to sleep. He will be a sound asleep in seconds.   Smarty heads straight for the leather recliner. He believes that the chair belongs to him. Butch usually heads straight for the dog bed in our bedroom.

When it is time for bed, (at 9) I call Smarty and he runs right into our room and jumps on our bed.  This is not where he gets to sleep, only where he thinks he should be allowed to sleep.

Meanwhile Mason is snoring away.  He can't hear me so calling him is pointless.  I usually jiggle him with my foot till he wakes up. This generally causes him to roll over onto his back for a belly rub.

Not quite the response I am hoping for.

So I will roll him up right and give him the "come" hand signal.  If he thinks I have food, he comes right away.  If not, he lays there...and stares at me.

So I call him again.

He stares.

I move closer, and tell him to come on.  I push his butt with my foot. Its like pushing a gigantic boulder.

He stares.

I clap my hands, pat my legs, whistle, give the hand signal...I do everything I can to get him to come to me with out having to go get a treat for him.  Yes I realize that getting a treat would be quicker, but I would like him to come to me even without food.

Eventually he will get up and he lumbers to the bedroom at the pace of turtle.

I can read his mind.

He is thinking, "Oh gosh, I am soo tired.  I thought I was supposed to get food when I come to her?"

He flops down with a harumpf, and we all go to sleep. I am the only one in the room that doesn't snore. (loudly)

I keep a gate across my hall way because I do not trust Mason to not get into the trash at night.  He's starving ya know!

But my hallway is wide and my gate is not wide enough so I usually take a bar stool and cover part of the entrance, and the just lean the gate up to cover the rest.  I don't put the gate in the doorway where it is narrower because I like to give them access to the office where the floor is laminent and cooler.

About an hour after we go to bed Butch gets up and walks through the middle of the stool to go downstairs to sleep with his boy.  The other 2 have not figured that out yet. They would probably get stuck anyways.

Fast forward to 4 am.

I don't mean 4:05, or 3:59, I mean 4am on the dot, every single morning.

2 feet and "pant pant pant" in our faces. Its Smarty saying it is time to go out. We push him away, and so he goes to Mason.

"Hey Brudder...wake up its time to go potty"

Now we have 4 paws and 2 dogs "pant pant pant" in our faces. So I let them out and go back to bed.

4:05 "Woof Woof"  It is Butch downstairs wanting to go out.  I get back up and go down stairs and let him out the basement door. I used to call him up, but at 4:05 am he says his old legs cannot make it up the stairs. So I stumble down in the dark to let him out.  (Simon does not wake up- he sleeps as hard as Mason)

4:15  "Woof Woof Woof"  Three barks is Smarty announcing that there are 3 dogs sitting at the door to come in. (side note- they have to come up stairs to the deck to get in this door. Butch has no problem with stairs at 4:15, so I don't know what miracle happens at 4:10 to make him feel so good)

I have tried to just leave them out, but Smarty is persistent and will bark bark bark until we let him in.  It bothers my neighbor.

I get up to let them in. Butch goes to the living room to wait patiently for us to come and feed him. (he is a good boy)  Mason and Smarty do not walk in the door, they bound in the door like bulls in a china shop.  Mason finds a nyla-bone and heads to the bedroom to gnaw on his find.

Smarty races to the bedroom and finds his own bone.

So now I have the sound of 2 dogs going crunch crunch crunch.

I have learned to love that sound because it means they are staying out of trouble.

I go back to sleep. My goal is to get up at 5:30.

5:05 am.  Smarty starts his "wiggle giggle" noise. A sure sign that he has something he isn't supposed too.

Mason starts with his 'wookie" noise.  A sure sign that he is ready for breakfast.

I get up and take away Smarty's stolen bounty, and give him back his bone.  He spits it out and goes for the dog bed.  "Wiggle giggle"

(keep in mind that at this point I still have not turned on a light or actually opened my eyes- we do this everyday so I can do it all by feel now)

I take back the bed, tell Smarty to go lay down. I pet Mason, I tell him to go lay down.

Oh wait, he's deaf.

I still do it every day out of habit.

I go back to bed and bury my head with the pillow.

2 Dogs jump in the middle of the bed.

Each dog weighs over 100 lbs. They step on my head, they lay in the middle of my chest, they try to show me the presents they have brought me. They step on TC, they show him the presents, they lay on his chest too.

I give up, its time to get up now anyways.

Do you know what insanity is?

Doing the same thing every single morning knowing that no matter what, I am not going to get to sleep till 5:30, but I still try it everyday.

Some day I am going to figure out where that reset button on Smarty's alarm clock is!